Prisoners of Our Own Devices

We write our articles somewhat in advance because of printing deadlines; therefore, I’m writing this only two weeks after the autumnal equinox. I love summer so much, and as we bid this one farewell, I was thinking about what some of the best moments of this one were for me, and although a trip to the beach came to mind immediately, one small thing kept coming back to me.

Sometimes on Friday afternoons, I go to Mass, and one Friday at the beginning of August, I ran into a friend there, Patti. We went to high school together. Although she’s a friend, she’s not one I talk to every week. Nevertheless, she invited me back to her house that afternoon at 4 o’clock, explaining that she often has a few people over for an hour or two on Friday afternoons before dinner just to relax and celebrate the arrival of the weekend. As it happened, I was able to go, and I sat on Patti’s patio with her, and two other high school chums, Donna and Carol. We had simple snacks and iced tea, and we just talked for more than two hours until it was time to go home for dinner. There were no selfies, no music, no one pulled out a phone; we just sat in the summer breeze and laughed, reminisced, and talked about what was going on in our lives.

I don’t know if it’s because we’ve been so starved for human contact because of the lockdowns that it made just spending time together that much more special, but that Friday afternoon was one of the best times of my summer.

That evening, my husband and I went out to dinner, and I noticed something that I hope is not a trend. There were two different families at the restaurant and each of them had a small child with them, but what I noticed was that each of those children, instead of sitting and talking to their family gathered around the table, they had headphones on and were absorbed into an iPad screen. I know some children have sensory issues and as someone who had twins, I know it can be rough dining out with children, but how do children learn good behavior if they can’t ever be bored? How do they learn to relate to others if their eyes are glued to a screen?

I’m not the only one who has noticed that kids are missing out on the here and now. A Twitter firestorm erupted right after that trip to the restaurant when a woman posted this Tweet: “At Disneyland with the family and probably 50% of toddlers are strapped in their strollers on iPads or phones. At Disneyland. We are so screwed.”

There’s a funny online meme of a group of people seated around a table, and they are all ignoring each other and focused on their cell phones. It has a caption that hearkens back to the lyrics from The Eagles song Hotel California, and it says, “The Eagles were right, we are all just prisoners here of our own device.”

We are coming up on Thanksgiving, and I urge you to rediscover the beauty of connecting with others. Don’t become a prisoner of your screen. Sure, I’m going to take a few photos when everyone gathers to commemorate the occasion, but then I’m going to set aside my phone.

That feeling of peacefulness and connectedness I experienced this summer on Patti’s patio doesn’t have to be a rare event. It can happen anytime you are gathered. After long periods of isolation in lockdown it’s time to unplug and reconnect with others. Thanksgiving is meaningless if we don’t acknowledge and appreciate those seated around our table. Happy Thanksgiving!

 

Bucking the Trend

I’ve developed a new pet peeve.

If you participate on any social media platform, you’ve, no doubt, come across posts with headlines that read something like this: 30 Things That Are Dating Your Kitchen. 5 Trends That Women Over 50 Should Not Follow. Stop Making These Fashion Mistakes Now!

 

The cultural guardians of good-taste rail against such concepts as “slut-shaming,” and “fat-shaming.” Well, I think I’ll become the advocate against “trend-shaming.”

I realize that those types of posts come from advertisers, but what I think really unnerves me is the subtle, subliminal message that we must conform or be outcast. If you now have granite counter tops in your kitchen, I hate to tell you, but by the wisdom of the trend watchers, you are passé and woefully out of touch. Darn, I just got my granite countertops in my kitchen four years ago, and now according to these terrorists of trends, I must rip them out to be on “on point.” Ah, no.

The irony of all these types of promotions is that they usually are interspersed among such insipid platitudes like: Dance Like No One Is Watching; Everyone is Beautiful in their Own Way, Blaze Your Own Trail.

Yeah, be your own kind of beautiful, but only if you follow our lead. 

I’m not against advertising, it serves a great purpose. It underwrites so many things in our lives from sports to even this publication. What I’m fed up with is the push for conformity in their quest for cash that annoys me.

This doesn’t happen exclusively on the internet. I remember about a decade ago watching an episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show that featured a stylist, who critiqued audience members who volunteered to receive some fashion tips from him. After he told various women that their hairstyles weren’t right for their face shapes, or that the color the woman was wearing was draining her complexion, one woman stood under his critical eye.

He sized the woman up and sneered, “I see scuff marks on your shoes. That is a disgrace. It signals to me that you don’t care. Why, you are probably wearing underwear with holes in it.”

The poor woman seemed to shrivel under his criticism, and my heart ached for her. He humiliated her on national TV, and I wished someone could have shone a light on his soul because I bet it was quite shabby.

I guess what I’m saying is that while it’s nice to be trendy, fashionable, beautiful, and with-it, but that is not the most important thing in life. Being content and happy is, so don’t let anyone sell you that you are less because you don’t want more of what they’re trying to peddle to you.  

 

This article originally appeared in the October issue of Northern Connection magazine.

Roll With the Changes

On August 28, I was married 40 years. Looking back on the past four decades, I feel a bit like a late-night comedian. How long ago were you married? I was married so long ago that I had a band and not a deejay. I was married so long ago, that it was before videographers. I was married so long ago, no one rented limos. I was married so long ago, that Banns of Marriage were posted for three weeks in our church bulletin. I was married so long ago, that I didn’t have a wedding registry. I was married so long ago that if someone had suggested having your wedding at a farm the way people like to do now, people would have thought you were crazy. I was married so long ago that when a bride wore a white dress down the aisle, the gossips pondered whether the bride “was worthy” of that white dress.

Yes, things have changed a lot since 1982. Some things changed and are circling back. When we got married, mortgage rates were hovering around 15% and there was a recession. Unfortunately, it looks like we’re heading for a replay of that economy.

But I’ve changed too and so has my husband. I’m a different person from the 22-year-old bride saying my vows. Not just physically, that is obvious. With each passing decade, I’ve experienced life as a different person. My mom and dad have been married for nearly 64 years, and she’s often said that you are married to different people during your marriage.

Yes, there are stages of life. I’ve been a newlywed, a young mom, a college mom, empty nester, middle-aged, grandmother, etc. I’m considerably different from who I was forty years ago. I’d like to think I’ve improved and learned a lot along the way. When I got married, I never dreamed I’d have twins, live in such a lovely home, deal with the accidental death of my young brother-in-law, become a writer, and be able to travel as much as I’ve had. My husband has journeyed through all these phases of life with me and has gone through changes of his own.

So, if we are ever-changing, how do you make a commitment to love and live with someone until death? I’ve been thinking a lot about that, and as an old married lady, I’d like to share some thoughts. When we were getting married, it was required that we go through marriage classes to get married in our church. During one of those classes, the instructor posed this question: What is the goal of marriage? We had to write down our answers in a notebook and I wrote down. “To be happy.”

I was wrong. The instructor informed us that the goal of marriage is unity. There are times in marriage when you will not be happy, sometimes due to circumstances beyond your control like sickness, misfortune, or death, and even then, you must remain united.

How do you remain united when you are both changing? I believe we’ve been able to live and love for so many years together because at my core and my husband’s, we’ve never changed. We’ve been anchored together through our beliefs, goals, convictions and in general outlook on life. We have always believed in God and have adhered to certain morals, and we’ve believed in each other. We’ve been united at the deepest level no matter what has happened. It is because of our being united that we’ve been able to enjoy the happiness that I though marriage should be when I wrote those words way back when. 

 

This column originally appeared in the September edition of Northern Connection magazine.